Poems Standing Out November 2015 Haiku Club

The poem proposed for imitation was:

scattered flock of birds –
in the eyes of the doe
a star flickers

(Luminiţa Ignea)

The following poems stood out:

scattered flock –

through the soldier’s helmet

a patch of sky

(Daniela Lǎcrǎmioara Capotǎ)

The poem imitates the original in the ellipse of the cause, which is depicted only through effects. An explosion (one shot, one bullet) has alarmed the flock of birds and knocked the soldier’s helmet off. Also elliptical is the allusion to the soldier's death, since through the protective helmet we can see the sky. As an irony, the access to a piece of heaven is facilitated by a murdering bullet.

shaken poppies –

the sunset floods

the quail’s eyes

(Florin Florian)

Here, the allusion to the possible death of the quail is more than muffled. Perhaps in this case as well there has been a gunshot and it shook the poppies’ petals off, but its effect is muffled by the structure of the poem, as if it were just a breeze. The only witnesses, the eyes of the quail, receive, with the same tenderness and resignation, both petals and sunset. Flooded as by a large sea of blood.

(comments by Corneliu Traian Atanasiu)